Ep18 – Day to day charisma #003 Kindness

connection

(…) The “magical” three key words for such day to day charisma are vulnerability, kindness and passion. Those are vital few of being able to have great conversations and ultimately be perceived as charismatic person.

I would not go as far as some of my idols like Stephen Fry to say that “all the big words, such as truth, freedom etc. are dwarfed in the presence of kindness”, but that being said, I think that kindness itself is, or at least should be considered as one among the big concepts like truth, freedom, love or honesty.

Kindness is obviously a broad and sophisticated concept, but when I think about it in terms of conversations I mean dropping the “me’s” and “I’s” – this egotistical need to constantly impress with achievement or just fill the talk with our own experience. I mean being passionate about with whom you’re talking to. I mean not to compare and value on superficial terms. I mean just being kind, thoughtful, honest and at least try to be somewhat empathic.

As you probably see, the three musketeers of day to day charisma cannot really work as separate of each other. They merge with one another and in best scenario build an instant feeling of connection and trust.

#003 Connection
Let’s say you watch another episode of The Big Bang Theory – you’re laughing and smiling all the time, maybe even learning a little bit about geek and scientific worlds. No surprise, it is a great show. But let say that you only walk past the TV room while TBBT is aired and one of the jokes is made. You noticed it, processed through your mind, understood the joke and context, but as you walked past, you didn’t even smiled. What lacked this time is the connection/engagement/focus. The same is with music, books, stand-up comedy and… conversations. We tend to call it drawing attention, chemistry or spark. As you can see on the example of tv show – it is always exactly the same wit and performance from actors, the variable which changes is engagement of watcher, or the connection between them if you will.

In our disengaged world person who can stay vulnerable, passionate and kind is really as pleasant as cool zephyr in hot weather. Of course there are many more factors to good conversation, but those vital few are easy to remember and will produce effect – the technique and intuitive feel will come along through practice.

If you have a positive or negative response in mind, please share in comments section. Take good care
– Przemek Kucia

8 thoughts on “Ep18 – Day to day charisma #003 Kindness

  1. Chatty Owl says:

    Stephen Fry is your idol? What a lovely surprise. I absolutely adore him. Reading this reminded me of years ago, I remember I stumbled across the TV show that he was hosting (he still is now too) and because of the other people in the show, I sort of disregarded it after few minutes. Few years after, I stumbled across of it again and now it’s been few years I always watch it, I never miss it and I can watch old episodes on the loop. As you say, it’s a lot in the interaction, connection and spark that I feel every time I watch it now.

    • Przemek Kucia says:

      Is it maybe QI – Quite Interesting show? He is remarkable, not only because he has disorder in the same spectrum as I (he has Bi-Polar and I have “only” cyclothymia), but as an advocate of being kind, passionate and always in pursuit of more knowledge, broader horizons and better inquires about the world. Listening to one of interviews he gave taught me more about literature than all of high school education. He is a lantern I can relate to whenever I’m in doubt of my outlooks and values. So yeah, to wrap it up, among others Stephen Fry is one of my heroes and role models I look up to 😀

  2. Anita says:

    My parents tought me to be kind to people. To be friendly, polite and respectful. I am kind. I have been kind since I can remember. I am so kind that I become a target for some spoiled characters. And I have been learning intensively for a few years now, how to find balance between being kind and assertive, when to decide: ‘the time for being nice has just finished’. Many people have told me I should be more indifferent in the beginning of acquaintance, that it is not really worth to be as kind initially, because there are lots of people who would simply want to use it want to use it…After months of trying to figure that out I got to conclusion that there is nothing wrong with my behaviour, and I will not stop coming across people differently, I just need to be more cautious of the signs of ‘vampires’ (and trust me, after meeting plenty of them, it is not that difficult to recognize them). Therefore, I am going to stick to my own values and be happy with it, as it is not me who is acting strange or wrong, it’s all those people who cannot take kindness as they are not familiar with it, they do not understand it and take it as stupidity and naivety. Poor them…

    • Przemek Kucia says:

      Agreed 100%. As though being kind does not mean one cannot be assertive, still there is some extent of vulnerability attached to the concept of kindness.

      In social interactions the sheer amount of possible variables to consider is simply mind numbing. As you eloquently stated – sometimes with some people the kind of positive connection is impossible/highly improbable by default. More often admirers and observers of our kindness stay silent, so it could look like those strange cases are very vocal minority.

      To wrap up my thought here – it is very hard to add something to your comment, as you (IMO) put it brilliantly by yourself 🙂

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